By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Brad Pitt or Todd Barry, Ladies?
Let's say Brad Pitt hasn't showered in a year and a half, then he runs the Boston marathon. After he comes across the finish line, he trips and falls into a giant pile of pig sh*t. Me, on the other hand, I've taken a shower; I've put some lovely deodorant on; I deep condition my hair, and then I walk through a carwash. Who do you select now?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Dirty Brad Pitt
I heard that Brad Pitt ain't a big fan of taking showers. I heard this on 'Hard Copy,' so it's not like I'm just blurting something out irresponsibly.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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"The Real World" on Your Resume
Can you imagine putting 'The Real World' on your resume? That would backfire right in your face. Ten years down the line, you're at a job interview, and the guy's like, 'Oh, you were on "The Real World." I used to watch that show. Hey wait a second, you look familiar. You're the guy who wouldn't lend Becky the shampoo. What was your problem, man? She had a blind date. You're not really a team player, are you? I'm sorry but we need team players here at Wal-Mart.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Grammy Awards
Those Grammy Awards, man, it's always famous bands that win those. You never see some poor, struggling, unknown, garage band. That'd be nice -- 'And the album of the year goes to The Cheesewillies. They couldn't make it here tonight because their van broke down. Their manager would accept the award for them, but he couldn't get the night off at the video arcade.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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World's Fastest
I was at a bar with a friend of mine. This woman walks by, and he goes, 'I know that woman. She gives the world's fastest hand jobs.' I don't know -- maybe if she gives the world's best, you can fill me in. I don't need to know about the cheetah of the hand job kingdom.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Some guys go crazy with the masturbation. I was reading this article on this thing, autoerotic asphyxiation. Some guys actually choke themselves with a belt while they're doing it. I read like 800 men a year die from doing this. I was like, 'No way, not 800.' Then I remembered how many times I've nearly killed myself with just conventional masturbation -- just regular old, meat and potatoes, mom and pop, missionary position masturbation
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Financial Graph
This friend of mine told me to get Quicken for my computer. He's like, 'Todd, you gotta get Quicken. Look man, I make graphs of my finances.' Wow. If I am reading this pie graph correctly, looks like you spent half of last year's salary on the Quicken software. And this bar graph sends the message loud and clear: you have seven bucks in your checking account. I tell you, to see someone's poverty in full vivid color -- it's a beautiful thing.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Book Lights
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Todd Barry Jokes |
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Kmart in New York City
Some New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, 'Down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300 gallon drum of laundry detergent for 99 cents. Why don't you go take your good values to another town?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Lester Barrie |
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Solution to the Gang Problem
It gives me a solution to this whole inner city gang problem that we seem to be having. I just got to get some people behind me, right? I think we need about 20 or 25 grandmothers, give them all belts and do one big drive-by whupping on these kids.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Lester Barrie |
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Hated to See My Mother Coming
I got whupped so much, sometimes I hated to see my mother coming. I'm having fun with my brothers, my sisters, my friends -- my mother pulls up, and I'm thinking, 'Dang! Why she keep coming here? Can't she just drop off the food and stay at work?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Lester Barrie |
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Friends' Bad Advice
You have got to stop listening to your girlfriends about your relationships -- especially that girlfriend that ain't got nobody.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Lester Barrie |
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Losing Hair
A black man start losing his hair, what'd he do? Just cut it all off -- pow! -- Montel Williams in the house! White man start losing his hair, what'd he do? Take the hair from the side and fold it over the top. Black man ain't going out like that.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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Paranoid Safety
Being paranoid will save your life -- 'cause that's the difference between hooking up with the first thing you see, or saying, 'Hey, that may not be a beauty mark on your lip. And, if it is, it looks like you've got another one coming in.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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Herpes Medication Message
I saw the commercial for herpes medication. First of all, I know commercials are getting ridiculous, but the thing that tripped me out about this commercial was not how they made it look like your life get a whole lot better after herpes -- you can rock climb and jet ski and all that! -- they make it look like life begins with herpes.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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Lois and Superman Divorce
Now that I'm grown, I'm scared 'cause I'm thinking Lois is gonna get half of those powers when they get divorced. And you can't be Superman then, you know. It's like, 'Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound -- every other weekend.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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Killer Bees
I saw a report on CNN, and the report said the killer bees are coming -- the killer bees! But these were killer bees 'cause they were 'Africanized.' What are these -- hip hop bees?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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That's Deception, Ladies
I saw a commercial the other day for a girdle. And you know what that is, right? That's deception, ladies. These are the same women that get mad when guys lie to them. 'I thought you were single.' 'I thought you were slim.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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Wine Tasting in Chicago
It's just like the movie, 'Sideways' -- they'll drive to the vineyard, drink and drive, and there were no cops anywhere. I'm like, 'That's how you get away with it? I gotta try that in Chicago.' 'You been drinking tonight, sir?' 'No, just tasting. I got some cheese and crackers in the back.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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High Gas Prices
The only thing I won't get mad at the president about is gas prices. I'm actually cool with that. Matter of fact, I want them to go higher. Because the higher they go, certain things change: drive-by shootings go way down.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Ty Barnett |
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From Chicago
I tell people, 'Yeah, I'm from Chicago -- what's up?' 'Gasp! What street gang were you in?' I'm like, 'What the hell make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Greer Barnes |
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High School Basketball
I went to an all-Jewish boys' high school. Played basketball, averaged 75 points a game.
note: Greer is African American
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Greer Barnes |
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Doggy-Style
I was having sex with my girlfriend, doggy-style, and the cat and the dog were watching... I could've sworn I heard my dog say to my cat, 'Pft, look at him. He ain't even doing it right.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Greer Barnes |
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Stranded on an Island
I was watching one of these old reruns of 'Gilligan's Island.' Seven white people stranded on an island for seven years, and ain't nobody doing the nasty -- for seven years. You put seven black people on an island for seven years -- in three years, you'll have a new nation.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Greer Barnes |
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Chasing a White Guy
I was in the park last night, chasing this white guy. He got away from me. I didn't know cops could walk that fast with all that stuff on.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Amy Barnes |
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Weird Being Single
I'm single now. And it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Amy Barnes |
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Tuba Theory
I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you're not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you're carrying something big enough to knock one on her ass.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Arj Barker |
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Early Alzheimer's Detection
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Arj Barker |
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Pirate Problem
My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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By: Arj Barker |
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Unconditional Love and Tolerance
Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure -- we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
Submitted By:
darkness
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