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Hello and welcome to Quote Abyss - by Alpha Coders!
Whether you just enjoy browsing around, or are a content submitter, we want you to enjoy your stay here at Art Abyss.
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Information Superhighway
You ever go on the Internet, get all liquored up and take pictures of your balls and send them to people? That is the information superhighway, right there, my friend. You don't have to leave your bed anymore to flash your grandma.
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Category: Humor - Comedian 
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Submitted By:
Kandice 
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In a Tornado
I read a story about a dog that was in the same tornado as me. I felt bad for this dog, because the dog got picked up by the tornado and thrown 125 feet, and he survived when he landed in a tree. I felt bad for that dog because dogs don't know anything about weather patterns, so for the rest of his life, that dog is gonna think he has superpowers.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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On Lance Armstrong
He's got one ball. He's more aerodynamic. He just puts it on the bar and goes for it. Everybody else has got mud flaps... Meanwhile, here comes Fancy Pants One Ball, sneaking up behind you.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Giving Raspberries
When I'm getting my ass kicked, I lift up the guy's shirt and start blowing on his belly. Guys do not know how to respond to that at all 'cause they're all angry inside, right? Then you give them a raspberry on their tummy. Oh, they want to giggle. Just don't ever do that in a sauna or a steam room -- you can slip.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Spider Man in the Elevator
I just get in my elevator one day: there is Spider-Man. I'm like, 'Well, you've gotten a little lazy, haven't you? Remember the old days when you'd take the side of the building?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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My Meth Addict Neighbor
One day I came home, he was passed out in his Spider-Man outfit in front of the building, and the fire department had to show up with the clear paddles and bring him back to life. What a bad day to be a kid driving by and seeing Spider-Man.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Someone Hates Me
Every show I do, at least one person hates me. Once it was a guy in a wheelchair. He hated me so much he stood up and walked out of the room.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Bad Boyfriend
How sh*tty of a boyfriend do you have to be to get dumped by a chick with four kids? Hello -- she's not a catch.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Three-Armed Chinese Baby
The other day in China, a lady had a baby with three arms. Oh my God! They're always one step ahead of us. He's probably making shoes and toys right now as we speak.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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| I was there for the Kentucky Derby. It sounds fantastic, but it isn't. It's two minutes, and then you're drunk with a bunch of hillbillies. | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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| A hurricane you can watch come at you for a week on the TV, and you don't get out of the way. A tornado -- you're just in a trailer making meth; next thing you know, it's tipped over. | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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 | you're lazy if it's to much work to do it the easy way |
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Category: Abstract - Fun
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Submitted By:
frank1102
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| Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. | |
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Category: Abstract - Life
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Submitted By:
frank1102
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The world we perceive through our senses could be an elaborate hoax. | |
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Category: Abstract - Life
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Submitted By:
CHOCOLATE CAKE
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The pioneers of a warless world are the youth who refuse military service | |
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Category: Military - War
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Submitted By:
CHOCOLATE CAKE
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“The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved; the pig is committed.” | |
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Category: Abstract - LIFE
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Submitted By:
CHOCOLATE CAKE
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For the world you are somebody , but for somebody you are the world |
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Category: Food - Cherry
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Submitted By:
mastolol
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A Good Time
When I was little, my dad used to tell me, for my birthday, he's gonna take me out and show me a good time. Couldn't sleep all night -- he's gonna show me a good time. So, we get up at eight o'clock in the morning, get in the car, drive for hours and hours. He'd take me down to Disneyland. He'd push me up against the fence in the parking lot, and he'd say, 'See that? That's a good time. Come on, we're going home.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Santa Claus Calls
Tried to get a little rest before the show. The phone kept ringing -- ring, ring, ring, ring -- this morning, ring, ring, ring. Pick it up, 'Hello?' 'Hello, is Len there?' I said, 'Yeah, this is Len. Who's this?' Said, 'It's Santa Claus. I'm sorry, did I wake you?' And, I said, 'Hey, you fat bastard, you know when I'm sleeping.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Biggie Fans
The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; I don't know if you've taken statistics.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Critical Flaw My laptop has been acting kind of buggy lately. I was working on it, and this thing popped up. It said: 'Windows encountered a critical flaw. Would you like to send an error report back to Microsoft?' And I clicked 'don't send' 'cause I ain't no f**king snitch. | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Missing New York
I saw a license plate yesterday that said 'I Miss New York,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Eric Estrada Sighting
The other day I was flying in, I had Eric Estrada on my flight. And I had to say something -- I said, 'Hey, you're the guy from "Chips."' He said, 'Yes. Would you like another drink before we land?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Dead Ant
Q: What did the elephant say when it saw a dead ant?
A: DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT. Q: What did the elephant say when it saw a live ant? A: It stepped on the ant and then said, "DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT." | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Ants In Yer Pants
Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?
A: He got pissed off. | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Lisp
I'm so gay, I could put a lisp in the word 'cracker.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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All the Gays on an Island
My brother hates gay people -- hates us. 'We should take all you gays and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Should Be Illegal
It should be illegal for white writers to write dialogue for black actors. 'Cause half the roles I go in for I'm speaking a cross between Bootsy Collins having a seizure, Al Jolson in black face and the guys who speak jive on the movie 'Airplane.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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"COPS" Theme Song
Is it just me or is reggae the most inappropriate music they could have picked to open up the show "COPS"?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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New York City Police
Cops on horses? What's going on? Is there a lot of illegal jousting going on in the city?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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