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Hello and welcome to Quote Abyss - by Alpha Coders!
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Tuba Theory
I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you're not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you're carrying something big enough to knock one on her ass.
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Category: Humor - Comedian 
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Submitted By:
Kandice 
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Early Alzheimer's Detection
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Pirate Problem
My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Unconditional Love and Tolerance
Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure -- we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Buy a Guy a Smoothie
I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Infinitely Complicated Being
A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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In Love With a Philosophy Major
I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist -- and worse, she can prove it.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Freaky Sign
I was actually in my car today, and I was just driving, and I noticed a guy on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign that said, 'Where will you spend eternity?'. And that kind of freaked me out because I was on my way to the DMV.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Cop Land
Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Second Base on the Date
I believe that if you go on a date and you get to second base, and then you go home alone and rub one out -- that's like runs batted in.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Did You Score?
My friends, they only want to know one thing: 'Did you score? Did you score? Did you score? Did you score?' Hey, guess what -- news flash, guys -- a date's not a sporting event. A date's an opportunity to be in the presence of another individual and celebrate the unique-osity of that person. And no -- I didn't f**king score!
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Google's Bad Attitude
Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? 'Um, did you mean...?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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More for Less
I had to buy a new printer the other day. The printer I wanted was like $200, but for some reason, I figured out that if I bought a printer/copier/scanner/faxer/coffee maker/clay oven/tennis racquet restringer, it's like $8.95. And I had to ask myself: why would it be that by paying less, I get more? How is it that the less I pay, the more I get? And I've figured out there's only one logical answer -- the giant, multinational, megacorporations really just want me to be happy. That's the only possible answer.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Friends With Kids
I only have, like, three really good friends, and they get worse every year. And it's gotten to the point where I think they'd rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. I'm like, 'Alright, but really, where's the loyalty, man? I've known you for 25 years. How long have you known your baby -- like a month? Alright, Judas, whatever.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Walking Shoes
Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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No Razors in Halloween Candy
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Health Food Halloween Pranks
I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause [my parents] owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Have Fun Trick-or-Treating, Son
You're finally old enough to go trick or treating by yourself, and then they gotta give you that talk. 'Alright, son, just go door to door and get the candy, that's all you gotta do. Just go get the candy. Knock on the door, go to the next house, get more candy, and it's all yours. Get to keep it all. Have fun, get lots of candy. Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son -- be careful 'cause the candy might have razor blades in it.' Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18-year-old....
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Military Secrets
Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets -- unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel. Then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Guess What, Cat?
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Irish Soap Tradition
All I knew about Ireland before I went there was what I learned from watching soap commercials all my life. I was totally misinformed. I thought it was an Irish tradition where you don't even take a shower with your soap -- you take your soap for a walk, you compliment the soap for a little while and then, suddenly, you just start hacking it up with a hunting knife.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Cryptic Car
I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Smoker's Paradise
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad -- say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea -- it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Not a Camel
You know the little camel on the pack of cigarettes? They just found out that's not even a camel. It's actually a horse with a big, old tumor growing out of its mouth.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Good News About Smoking
I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Troubling Shoe Museum
I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Never Drive on Grass
I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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High on Life
For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Hungry Jack's Restaurant
They got a restaurant called Hungry Jack's, but I didn't feel comfortable eating there. How good could it be? The guy who owns the restaurant is hungry. If it was called Fat Happy F**king Well-Contented Jack's, I'd eat there. But I wouldn't bring a kid because it has a swear word in the title, and that's inappropriate.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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