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| Most people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them. | |
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Category: Humor - Wisdom 
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Submitted By:
Andeavenor 
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The Kool Aid Company
That's how little I know about the economy: I think the Kool Aid Man sits at the head of the table in the board meeting: 'I think we should sell some shares!' Ok, Kool Aid Man -- you're in charge. Your ice never melts.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Middle East Solution
I think I stumbled upon a solution for some of our problems in the Middle East.... Our enemies over there are small groups of fundamentalists brainwashing children.... All we have to do is present something to these kids that's slightly more enticing than hate -- which shouldn't be too hard, since they're growing up in the same town as Luke Skywalker. Look how badly he wanted out, and he had two sunsets.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Junk Food Binge
We've all had that night, where you wake up, kinda like a werewolf does in his cave after a rampage: 'What did I do last night?' There's just animal carcasses all over the place. But for me, it's like, I open my eyes, and I look to my left, and there's a 7-11 hot dog wrapper. 'Nooooo! Dear God no! Oh my God -- SpaghettiOs, with the spoon in the can! Gah! I didn't even heat it up! The devil was in my bones last night!'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Sexual Advances
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. Now, if a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Buying Condoms
Women have an easier time purchasing condoms than men because women are bold. Women aren't bothered by it. Women will walk into that drug store, 'Yeah, let me see, give me the lambskin lubricated one that's ribbed with feathers, two feet long and vibrates. That's the one I want, and I think I've got a coupon.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Stealth Condoms
Did you hear there's a stealth condom? That's what it's called. It's called the stealth condom. Now how many guys are going to go out and buy a stealth condom? How many guys want to get in and out without anyone knowing they were there?
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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"You know what I hate, the one thing I hated growing up more than anything else. I hated being tickled. Tickling is the worst. 'Cause it started off fun- right haha lets tickle start out fun ended horribly. Didn't it always escalates the same way first youre like "Hahahahaa, COME ON! Hahahaha, I CAN'T BREATHE! I CAN'T BREATHE! CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! I'M GONNA THROW UP!" And they couldn't stop they were like, "Hahaha, I DON"T CARE!" I had to punch my grandmother in the chest to get her off me." | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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No Toilet Paper
Have you ever been to someone else's home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can't yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, 'Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I'd hate to use all their cotton balls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they've read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Questions for My Wife
After three years of marriage, there are some questions I'd like to ask my wife. Little things like, 'Honey, why is it that you get three closets and I get the back of a chair? Honey, I want to know, why do you watch TV commercials when you have a remote control?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Not Answering That
Now that I'm married, I'm being asked questions I have never been asked before in my entire life. The other day, my wife came up to me and said, 'Do you think I'm fat?' I said, 'Excuse me sweetheart, but do you see "stupid jackass" written on my face? Do you see "let's have a fight for no apparent reason" written on my face somewhere?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Politically Correct Incident
In this era of political correctness, you really have to watch what you say. I had an incident here in New York City on the subway. This black gentleman approached me really enthusiastically, and he asked, 'Hey man, did the Yankees win?' And I said, 'Yeah -- you're free.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Vegan Ex-Girlfriend
I actually dated this one girl -- she was a vegan -- one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, 'Oh, I don't believe in sugar.' Bitch, it exists!
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Vacationing Without the Kids Finally did what came natural to us: we just stood on a beach and yelled at other people's kids. | |
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Lazy People
We're lazy people. We've woken our children up to get the remote for the television.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Giving Themselves Advice
Did you ever have someone give advice, and right in the middle of them giving you advice, you realize that really they're just giving themselves advice through you? My father does this all the time. He calls me up on the phone; he goes, 'Leo, Leo, leave your mother. Seriously, she's killing you. Listen to me, don't waste another 40 years. Because you could be a dancer; you have a dancer's body.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Paranoid Shopping
Do you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store and then start to get all paranoid that they're going to think that you stole it? That happened to me recently at the gun store.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Thanks to Photoshop
With Photoshop so readily available, there's no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Attending a Two-Year-Old's Birthday Party
This birthday party was awkward enough from the first moment I got there because the only person I knew at the whole party was the two-year-old. So, everyone's just looking at me, asking these boring questions: 'Why are you in our house? How do you know our son?' It's called: the Internet.
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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If Animals Could Talk
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'If animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Hating Vegans
I love that vegans are the only people you're allowed to make fun of nowadays. Even vegetarians are like, 'Pft! Stupid vegans. Why don't you eat some milk and eggs, you p***ies?'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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The Laziest Moment in History
It was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed, very early in the morning. Her alarm clock goes off, and she goes, 'Oh my God, why did I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion. You know what? I think I'll just keep the baby. I didn't want to go to college anyway.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Dressing Like a Kid
I'll always dress like this. But let's say I have a four-year-old son, and we're walking down the street together. I'll be dressed like this, but to balance it out, I'll make him wear a three-piece suit and carry a briefcase. And that way, when some stranger walks up to us on the street and says, 'What the hell is going on here?' I'm going to train my son to say, 'We got hit by lightning!' And then I'm going to go, 'Things with Mom are really weird.'
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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Category: Humor - Comedian
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Submitted By:
Kandice
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